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from best friends to nothing again.

i love him but god does he dull my shine. it's not intentional i dont think. i think he loves me too. i just think neither of us knows what love actually is. 

 

i dont want him to move on or find someone else, it makes my skin hot and my throat close and my head hurt.

 

i keep thinking what if i just pretended everything was okay for long enough that it eventually was?

 

i dont think life works like that because it wouldve worked for at least one of the days of this past year or so right? i tried and tried to act like he made me feel secure and heard, but he didnt. 

 

he made me feel like i did when i would tell people my feelings as a kid and they would tell me to grow up. it makes me hit the keys harder just thinking about it. i felt so neglected even though he is such a nice and compassionate person to everyone else.. it didnt make sense? still doesnt?

 

 

do you think he loved me? maybe his idea of a cup thats full was one much smaller than mine? no wonder the amount he gave could never truly be enough?

 

its not his fault i dont think. i wish we could just cuddle as best friends again and forget this all happened but life doesnt work like that.